Screw "UGLY" Traits

We all get "shitty" qualities. Follow my method to learn how to see your negative traits for what they are and get rid of them, as if they were #Birdshit on your clothes!

Meet my “#Birdshit Method” (pardon my French) for dealing with our “ugly” sides. (I am going to get a little graphic in this post, so bear with me.

Our biggest obstacle on the way to success and contentment is that we take ourselves personally and way too seriously.

As a consultant, I get to call people out and I love doing it. Sure, I first get a reaction – defensiveness, anger, shame, self-pity, you name it! (By the way, “naming it” is kind of a big deal – and a big step towards emotional intelligence – we will address that in other posts, so sign up for updates!).

Sometimes, a reaction is ALL I get...

When people react, without attempting to look at themselves closer, they are frequently considered “uncoachable." It happens, as it is the choice of each of us to reflect or not to reflect. It goes something like this: “What?! I am not coachable?! SCREW YOU, I’ll go to someone else who will tell me I’m doing great, I am just very unlucky and surrounded by people who are bringing me down! You suck! GOODBYE!”

Undoubtedly, we owe our failures to our "selves"! We guard our imperfections, our “uglies,” our weaknesses, our “demons,” because our basic instinct is survival, and we are genetically wired to understand on a subconscious level that our chances of survival are higher in groups, so we better be good enough to be accepted by others.

Our perception of reality is nothing but a view of the world through the lens or window with our “identity” smeared all over it.

The word "identity," as used here, means literally everything that makes us who we believe ourselves to be - character traits, biases, beliefs, fears, as well as what helped us develop all of the above - a set of experiences that we have interpreted in a certain way. Spiritual teachings frequently liken our “personality” or “character” to rust that prevents the inner essence from shining, and I love that analogy.

To illustrate just how easy it is for us to take criticism personally and react without reflecting, think back to a time when someone labeled you something you didn't like: dishonest, stingy, unreliable, etc. Take any trait and define it in general terms and contrast that with hearing someone say it about you in particular. How we HEAR things makes the world of difference!

If only we could hear criticism about our traits and behaviors the same way we hear about a stain on our clothes - without associating it with ourselves.

The idea of not associating with our character is very prominent in everything I write because I believe it to be the cornerstone of personal freedom and crucial for tapping into the full potential in life. Stop believing yourself to be whatever you think you are: “a go-getter,” “type A,” “shy person,” this, that- the more labels you associate yourself with, the more you consider yourself being a “fit” or a “misfit” in a company of particular people, a job, an environment, etc. - the more limited your life will be. That is voluntary confinement.

Besides that, if we believe our ugly sides to be truly “ours” – we want to hide them from others and protect ourselves from vulnerability. This is a recipe for many disasters – from feeling lonely and misunderstood to toxic dependencies on people who “accept us the way we are,” if we believe ourselves to be bad, weak or incomplete.

With that said, we all have our “demons”- predispositions. Yes, predispositions may make us more susceptible to certain things. I am prone to gain weight – am I okay with letting myself get out of shape and being unhappy with the way I look for the rest of my life? Hell, no! I look at all the skinny girls and realize that there is no secret – they just eat less or eat less of the things that make us fat – no secret.

Talents and predispositions or lack thereof are overrated. In fact, often the people that make a mark in our history are those who did not agree with the cards they were dealt – the “lazy ones” go on a quest to find the recipe for discipline, superior performance, and effectiveness, and often become experts in the field. The “shy” ones become the brightest shining stars, and so on.

Without further ado, let me introduce you to:

The #Birdshit Method

Imagine you step outside, and, suddenly, a bird shits all over you – it's disgusting, it is all over your clothes! What do you do?

Let’s look at this example and many of its versions in parallel with our “ugly sides” -things that make us not like ourselves and that don’t get us any popularity votes with others.

Before we run through some scenarios though, LET ME MAKE A FEW THINGS CLEAR AND STRAIGHT:

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• When you see birdshit on your clothes – you don’t discover something ABOUT YOURSELF, you discover something ON YOUR-SELF.

Please, pay attention to BOTH distinctions here- “ABOUT” vs “ON” and “YOURSELF” vs “Your-SELF.” Take a moment and take it in – learning to continuously make this distinction will have a remarkable effect on your life!

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• BIRDSHIT IS INEVITABLE. We all get birdshit every now and then – some we can avoid (watch where you’re about to sit down for example), some – not; some we get unexpectedly, others – pretty consistent.

No matter how often you get birdshit though, remember – IT IS NOT A PART OF WHO YOU ARE – DON’T MAKE IT SO BY BEING ATTACHED TO IT JUST BECAUSE OF HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN ON YOU.

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• Sometimes the way people around you treat their birdshit will affect you – when someone you love is too attached to their birdshit, BELIEVING IT TO BE A PART OF WHO THEY ARE, you may need to walk away, or else it will rub off on you. This is seen in toxic relationships.

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EMOTIONAL ELEMENT AND JUDGEMENT

Let’s be honest – birdshit isn’t pretty and nobody will find it appealing, but how we feel about people seeing it, makes a difference in how we live and the changes we make to live better. Analyze the difference between the following perceptions:

They are disgusted by ME

They are disgusted by BIRDSHIT on me

They are disgusted by MY birdshit

Whenever someone’s reaction to your ugly traits “makes you” feel a certain way, ask yourself, which of the above options you are exercising right now – all are at your disposal, and each is a matter of YOUR choice.

#Birdshit™ Method In Action

I will run through a few scenarios and options and ask you to draw your own parallels between our bird poop examples and “bad character traits.” Here is an example of how to do it:

Scenario: You come outside and the bird shits all over you. You say – “Yikes, that’s disgusting, I got to get this crap off me!” – then you go back home and change. This is our simplest scenario and a very rare one, consisting of the following elements:

1. You being aware that you got some birdshit on you, as opposed to getting it on your back where you can’t see it;

2. You being close to home and able to quickly change.

Parallel: This parallels with instances when we pick an undesirable trait somewhere, notice it quickly, recognize it as bad, and get rid of it by reminding ourselves what matters (that’s the being “close to home” allusion). If only they were all that easy!

Ok let’s go with other scenarios:

Scenario 1.

You notice the birdshit on you, but you’re far from home and you have a full day ahead of you. This one actually has two sub-options.

First sub-scenario: you can easily reach the spot. You try to clean it up, but it leaves a smudge or a stain and now it is unclear that it was birdshit – just looks like a dirty smudge.

Options:

• You tell everyone you meet that you have this smudge and ask them to pardon your appearance. Additional options: You ask for advice on how to clean it (whether or not you intend to explain where it came from); You feel the need to give the entire smudge story – how it was something done to you by the bird and you did what you could for the time being; You may feel the need to explain why more couldn’t be done to clean it better; If you are “prone” to get birdshit on you, you may explain how the birds have it “in” for you, or how you live and work in a highly bird-populated area and are thus very susceptible to getting "hit"; You may even go as far as explaining when and how you plan to clean it completely or change your clothes.

• You tell people the smudge is from something, and you have no idea what it is (parallel example: maybe I lost my temper because I was upset because you made me feel like an idiot when you said x)

• You come up with a few jokes about the smudge as a preemptive or responsive measure

• You cover up the smudge with whatever you can, sometimes even ridiculous looking, thinking that ridiculous is better than disgusting

• You ignore the smudge and if someone points it out, you just casually acknowledge it, offering no extra comments

• You act like you haven’t seen the smudge and if someone tells you about it, you act indifferent and say “oh well, I’ll change when I can.” Additional options: Act somewhat concerned and make a vague attempt to clean it; Act distressed and embarrassed and make a demonstrative attempt to clean it well or even ask for advice on how to best clean it

Second sub-scenario: you cannot reach the spot yourself so you cannot clean it

Options:

• You leave it as is and feel okay about it. It is what it is.

• You leave it as is, feel okay about it, and plan to deal with it later when you can

• You leave it as it is, feel somewhat uncomfortable but assume it will rub off eventually

• You try to rub it off on something (a wall for example)

• You ask a random person to help you clean it

• You feel embarrassed and try to hide it as best you can until you get to someone you trust and ask them to help you clean it

• You don’t hide it but still, first, go to someone who you feel comfortable asking to help you clean it

• You make jokes about it with everyone you come across

Scenario 2.

You feel/think there may be birdshit on your back, but you can’t see it.

Options:

• You ask someone random if there is birdshit on your back

• You ask someone random if there is anything on your back; You may then ask them if they can tell what it is or what it looks like or whether it looks really bad or noticeable etc.

• You ask someone you trust one of the above - either whether there is birdshit, or whether there is anything and what it looks like and how bad it looks, etc.

• You cover it with something just in case

• Someone helped you clean it, but you still can’t see it and don’t know if it came off, or whether there is still any smudge/stain. Options: You keep asking people if there is anything on your back; You keep covering it up just in case.

Scenario 3

Someone points out the birdshit on you that you DIDN’T KNOW about.

Options:

• You start wondering how many other people saw it before and didn’t tell you

• You start being retroactively embarrassed for having walked with birdshit on you all this time

• You get angry at the bird and try to trace back which bird it may have been

• You get angry at the people who must have seen it and didn’t tell you

• You call people you saw earlier to find out if they saw it. Additional options: You ask why they didn’t tell you; You ask how noticeable it was; You ask how obvious it was that it was birdshit or whether it could be taken for something else

• You reach out to people you saw to make sure they don’t think you are untidy. Additional options: You want to assure them you didn’t know; You may want to tell them that you cleaned it as soon as you were made aware of it or that you will do so as soon as possible.

• You point out smudges, stains, and wrinkles on their own clothes or other imperfections in their appearances

Scenario 4.

Let's say there is a bird whose sole life purpose is to follow you around and take a crap on you when you’re least ready (That’s our bad temper, addictions, “buttons” people push, etc). Sometimes you will see it, other times it will “get you” when you cannot see it.

Options:

• You start carrying a change of clothes/coverup clothes

• You warn people ahead of time about the bird and ask them to excuse you in case it happens

• You warn people about the bird and that, on occasion, it may “hit” them too if they are next to you

• You come up with a lot of birdshit jokes to laugh it off either preemptively or in response to someone telling you about it

• You try to rub some of your birdshit on others when you’re “hit”

• You point out everybody else’s smudges, stains, birdshits, and wrinkles on everybody’s clothes or other imperfections in their appearances before they can possibly notice any of yours

• You start carrying some extra birdshit just to put it on others since you know they are more than likely to see some birdshit or its residue on you eventually

• You go to a place with a lot of birds where birdshit is so accepted that it hardly looks unusual or disgusting

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SOMETHING TO KEEP IN MIND

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The only reason we can recognize the “uglies” in others, is because we ALL have the seeds of those same traits within our "selves." Recognizing this simple truth enables us to RELATE to each other, as opposed to JUDGING each other, making us COMPASSIONATE instead of JUDGEMENTAL.

If you read through these scenarios and various options attentively and diligently enough, you will get a glimpse of what it would be like to treat the undesirable traits for what they are – something ON you. Whether it is easily cleanable or not, may be another question, but recognition is the first step. Take some time to come up with your own real-life example that would fit most, if not all, of these scenarios and the options for dealing with them. If it isn’t an example of your own behavior, I am pretty sure you can make a parallel with someone you’ve known.

I wanted to make these comparisons sound silly to point out how childish it really is to protect the traits that stand in our way of being our best selves, being the best companions for those we care about, and building a truly amazing life that we certainly deserve!

I hope you enjoyed it. If you’d like to share some thoughts, please leave a comment or shoot me an email at screwleadership@gmail.com. If you can think of someone else who may enjoy this post, please share. ⏭